Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
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It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
consequences, the bane of my existence
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse
That earthquake could have been an email.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.