Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
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me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Flex on your dentist by asking if they’re free on a random Tuesday 6 months from now
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
So inspired right now.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above