Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
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[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
I’m being attacked 😭
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.