Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”

My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”

I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.

[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?

My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.

No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.

[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.

doctor: whats the problem?

me: my right leg is missing

doctor: no problemo

me:

doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg

me: my left leg is missing now

doctor: no problemo

coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine

me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful

*escorted from Starbucks

I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!

[In emergency room]

mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?

dr. frankenstein: 75,000.

cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm

*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?

I…do not understand how electricity works.

tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree

Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”

Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year

I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.

Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.

Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?

Me: you butter believe it : )

I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.

I wish they treated the presidential turkey pardon a little more like professional wrestling, and had like a senator from the opposing party sharpening a carving knife and licking his chops until the pardon goes through, and then he throws up his hands and storms out

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*

My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.

This was my dad’s browser history.

It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.

Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.

me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why