Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
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ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up
Voting for coroner
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Free him
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too