Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
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Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
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tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
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Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me