Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.

My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.

Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.

ME: These frog testicles are delicious!

GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.

Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.

I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.

Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.

called in thicc to work this morning

My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.

Look at this

My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.

My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.

I’m going to jail.

its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while

flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm

my parents at 4 am:

Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”

Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*

Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.

I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣

no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I

*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*

You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.

I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’

This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’

Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it

Space.

When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.

The right person will know this subtweet is about them.

I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?

[Jesus as a Doordash driver]

[Eats your fish and chips]

[Delivers double your original order]

me: what makes you angry

pirate: when someone steals my p

Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.