Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁

I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit

In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.

Me: *Swimming with dolphins*

Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?

Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”

omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business

There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.

I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations

I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.

Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.

My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.

Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for ever

Saying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King

5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working

I hate what you’ve done with the place.

Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”

Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.

Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.

50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.

Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.

Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.

It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.

One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?

Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”

Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job

This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:

Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.

[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]

[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*

I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.

It’s called “Miso Sad.”