Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
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My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
“I don’t do politics.”
Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Just a phase…
*swipes right on my hand mirror
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.