Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
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HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast