Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
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King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
When you let grandma cat sit
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us