Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
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I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
This is a genius move
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”