Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
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Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!