Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.

BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?

If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,

OH GOD WHY?!?

Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.

Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?

Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.

[interview at J Crew]

interviewer: explain this gap on your resume

me: no

interviewer:

me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement

Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.

The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.

“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”

And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..

Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.

No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!

what did president abe lincoln call his journal?

…his lincoln logs

[restaurant]

BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]

DATE: Are you okay?

THE HULK: I’ve been better.

[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”

It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication

I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out

[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!

Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.

Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.

Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.

I block people for being stupid.

…I block a lot of people.

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.

Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.

me: WTF all the shelves are empty

sales guy: yeah this is Ikea

Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?

Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?

M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa

Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits

*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*

Where’s the shit you made me at school?

My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.