“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
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Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Velcrow
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
i got fired from my marketing job for pitching a reverse Hot Ones where we make famous people drink ten increasingly warm glasses of milk
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Me: I wish I were a bird.
Husband: So you can fly?
Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.
Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
where the womens at?
