Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
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“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
🤣✨#caturday
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
