Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
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son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk