Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
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drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
Yamahahahahahahahahaha
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.