Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
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wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.
looking for a job in america is kinda wild
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.