pictures of spider-man
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Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
What do you text your spouse?
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
A ghost story
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo