Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
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It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.
Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.
People underestimate the Pacific.
I am absolutely never leaving this website
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”
The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there