Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
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Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
*sewing*
A thread
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.
Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.