Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
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Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Wizard: [holding a marshmallow on a stick]
Dragon: ok fine but this is the last one
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this