PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
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I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.