PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
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“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer