PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
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why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.