Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
You Might Also Like
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
This is top tier marketing 😂🤣
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Natural selection at its finest
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:beast:
beauty:
beast:
beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
