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My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
A drum solo but on your face.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations