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Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?
Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.