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[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
You should be able to google why a couple broke up