Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
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Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
I used the label maker
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Saw your ex at the shops
The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him