Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
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*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
There should be a rule that people have to say what they want from you BEFORE asking “are you busy?”
me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.
me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Feel. He’s so soft.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.