Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry

taking melatonin is not enough I need blunt force trauma to the head

In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.

If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…

It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.

“the hills are alive”

“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”

“with the sound of music”

“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”

9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet

1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?

Me: My eyes are up here

Picasso: I disagree

I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.

He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.

Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street

I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink

Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”

Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe

[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.

Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.

“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.

Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?

My favorite oxymorons:

1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.

dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!

How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”

me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”

In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.

World: What’s the date?

America: Well first and most importantly it’s June

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: Are you Keith?

Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:

T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH

Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.

New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.

My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.

Howl 😭

Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!

Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.

You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.

-puzzle pieces breaking up