Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages
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How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.
WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Haha! 😂
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Okay, I’m still confused…
