Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.

Lionel Ritchie being British :

🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵

Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.

I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.

Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.

My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.

My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral

gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.

Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation

Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book

Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree

Me: Waldo you rascal!

Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.

people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things

My therapist: try working on your active listening skills

Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles

911: What’s your emergency?

Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.

911: How did he die?

Me: It must’ve been something I said.

Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?

Me: You mean like the band?

Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.

[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons

In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.

My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.

therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?

me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters

therapist: get out

“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”

It’s fall??

“Ya, so what?”

[leaves start attacking everyone]

OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED

A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.

*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate

Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”

Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”

Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.

Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while

gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it

When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.

Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!

Firefighter:

If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did

I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.