Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

parents: you are what you eat
kids:

I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.

My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.

I almost dropped my Walkman.

satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-

me: wow you’re tall

satan: thanks?

me: how tall are you?

satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?

me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny

Note to self: I am a note

Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.

Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.

Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”

TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.

New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods

My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days

You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.

When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.

I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.

But no, she’s still alive.

So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.

Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?

I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.

Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”

Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.

I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation

You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?

Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.

Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings

WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH

If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.

Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?

Me: I’d use the elevators

Hiring Manager:

Me: Elevators, Sir.

[First ever date]

ME: I just didn’t feel a spark

CAVEWOMAN: a what?

Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.