Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.

Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him

~ cats

Captain’s Log:

Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.

Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.

I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad

[narrating a commercial for therapy]

“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”

Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?

I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate

if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time

Dear Stephanie on Facebook,

I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.

I only want to know what channel it’s on.

Friday is National Bubble Gum Day but I chews not to celebrate it.

Liquor store clerk: Do you need help?
Me: Yes but I decided to come here instead

Always the camel, never the toe.

Weather app: The dew point is 20.

Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.

“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there

When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.

Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣

Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess

My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.

If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.

A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26

Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.

I stopped carrying a grudge

Weigh me now

The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”

Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.

[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.

How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?

Eve: Wrong hole!

Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know

What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?