Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
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I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Old friend: Wow! When the hell did you grow a beard?
Me: This morning. On the way here. Just felt like it was time.
moron: “duhh, i hate taco bell, every time i go there i get diarrhea”
me: try getting tacos instead, genius
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
”I want to ruin some songs today.” -The producers of Glee every morning.