Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
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Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
My daughter wrote, “I will see you every day of our lives,” on my Mother’s Day card, so I guess we’ve resorted to threats now.
“It doesn’t say anywhere that you have to EAT them, you see,” I explain to the Olive Garden waitress as my breadstick kingdom adds a library
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Taken is the adult version of Finding Nemo.
He told me he was my daddy during sex. Then he acted all weirded out when I started crying and asked him to pay off my student loans.
Sometimes 4chan can be a beautiful place.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.