Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
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I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?