@david8hughes

Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages

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@dannyboy7813

Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers

@QwertyJones3

I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.

@tastefactory

*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”

@tacsanitchiban

Old friend: Wow! When the hell did you grow a beard?

Me: This morning. On the way here. Just felt like it was time.

@animaldrumss

moron: “duhh, i hate taco bell, every time i go there i get diarrhea”
me: try getting tacos instead, genius

@Rollinintheseat

If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.

@TheIronSherk

Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”

@noog

*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”

@tigersgoroooar

Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.

@samalmightysam

”I want to ruin some songs today.” -The producers of Glee every morning.