@david8hughes

Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages

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@TechnicallyRon

Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’

@UncleBob56

Me: *researching sore foot*

WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?

@Shen_the_Bird

co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons

bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird

@StellaGMaddox

My daughter wrote, “I will see you every day of our lives,” on my Mother’s Day card, so I guess we’ve resorted to threats now.

@BromanConsul

“It doesn’t say anywhere that you have to EAT them, you see,” I explain to the Olive Garden waitress as my breadstick kingdom adds a library

@ItsMeHelenMary

My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.

@BeCoco77

He told me he was my daddy during sex. Then he acted all weirded out when I started crying and asked him to pay off my student loans.

@Hobo_Splendido

I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.