Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
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[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.