Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992

Me: dance like no one’s watching!

Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!

Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil

Kid #1: “I’m scared of monsters.”

*spend 45 minutes hugging & comforting child*

Kid #6:”I’m scared of monsters.”

Me: “Eh, the cat’ll get them. G’night!”

There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.

ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.

COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.

I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.

I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.

[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?

Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.

#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.

My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep

Fun Fact:

The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.

Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’

Me: you can’t be seriousful

I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.

Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire

Me: Almost never.

Her: Oh that’s a relief.

Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)

The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute

My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.

This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”

me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man

My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.

Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done

Me: thank you

Therapist: now you need to pay my bill

Me: no

[in deep space]

Everyone: [in hypersleep]

Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]

“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants

87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.

me: got any weekend plans?

me: gonna get chubby

me: yah me too

I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’

Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.

It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.