PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
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Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Me: I’m Absolutely broke
State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!
#wtfuture
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.