PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
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I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?