PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
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I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
You have been warned.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
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