PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
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Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
People are always calling me “Einstein” so I know I’m super duper smart.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese
Girlfriend: Yes probably more
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through