Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.

ME: *slides envelope across the table

COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990

ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here

I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing

Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.

First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.

[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.

ME: *posing nude for a painter*

GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.

My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.

The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”

Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that

There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too

My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny

Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.

0/10. Do not recommend.

Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either

What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario

Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.

Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.

If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.

My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.

Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.

I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you

It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”

10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?

Me: Oh, don’t worry…

People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.

I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.

Me: Let’s go shopping

Him: Let’s stay home

Me: Let’s talk about our feelings

Him: Let’s go shopping

So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.

7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.