Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously

If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.

my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.

What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems

What I hear: better have the whole bottle then

Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”

My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.

I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.

She threw it at her sister’s head.

Are these fish:

A. A different species

B. The same species

C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related

Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.

I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.

Relationship status:

I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.

Update:

I am now running out of paper towels.

I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth

Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.

“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus

Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.

I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.

And that’s how the fight started.

Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING

Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.

2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets

I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.

*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”

Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.

Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life

[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”

I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.

Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it

my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself

[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes

Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.

Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!

While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view

{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.