Pigeon open mic night.
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Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
When you in the top 0.001% of listeners you should be able to go to the artist house
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.