Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
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Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Welcome to twitter! Your emotional support raccoon will be with you shortly.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.