Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
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person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.