Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.

My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”

So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?

Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.

I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.

Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?

Rick Astley: *tearing up*

Me: oh no

Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us

Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no

[getting completely dominated in a street fight]

ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules

“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”

Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??

My next door neighbor just stole my gate and I want to confront him about it…

But I’m worried he might take a fence.

#Jokes

me: stop calling me names!

bully: shut up names

this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first

If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.

My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.

No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.

Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.

“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*

stop it stop it don’t cook him stop

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.

I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.

stages of eating a banana:

– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now

My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”

Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean

[ER Triage Room]

NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?

GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now

(Person choking)

Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?

When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.

When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.

This is why I have trust issues.

ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.

Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond

“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game