Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
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My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
started wrapping my pills in cheese
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in hereMe: *pausing microwave
What?
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again