Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
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These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
🇺🇸🤭
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife