Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
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The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?