Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?

God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple

Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no

God: …where’s Adam?

Dentist: ok open up

“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”

Dentist: no I mean-

Assistant: wait bill…let him finish

**shaking a magic 8-ball**

Me: Will my vision ever get better?

Coconut:

My body feels like it’s aging in dog years

Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.

Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?

Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.

If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.

Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.

The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.

Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.

” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”

I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.

MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?

BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho

MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal

I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.

Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.

The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad

My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.

I gave her money for her ticket.

The boy paid.

I did not get my money back.

I learned an important lesson about dating today.

Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that

[on the sixth question in two minutes]

4: what does “not” mean

me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.

4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.

I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up

I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?

“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”

me, to the collection agency

He was looking for a job and then he found a job

i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.

“Will he ever wake up?”

He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*

*patient wakes up to turn off the music*

The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.

My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering

A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.

i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”

Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?

Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange

Me: *pulls sunglasses back*

LF: security!

Me: *runs*