Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
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Still laughing at this stupid meme
Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol