Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
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[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
*gets down on one knee*
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.