Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.

If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.

I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.

Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.

Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.

Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.

Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.

Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude

Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?

I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler

CNN: The alien invasion has begun

British person: I’ll put the kettle on

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.

Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.

My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.

Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs

pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto

Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.

[confessional]

me: father, gooey naan.

father: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?

Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out

I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.

{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?

INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?

girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid

wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at

Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.

Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths

[text from friend)

Her: You doing okay?

Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?

Whoever decided to spell “schnapps” was a dippschit.

One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao

its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad

Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there