Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
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A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
oh no, steve’s working tonight
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–
–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Windchimes
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Scream sneezers need love too.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes