Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt

me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*

fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you

Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.

Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*

some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures

How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?

Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.

Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.

Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.

Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.

Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?

They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.

*wears camouflage to a family reunion*

I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.

What? I’m sure that’s traditional.

All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.

*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.

Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.

I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?

My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.

[First date]

Him: I love murder mysteries.

Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.

Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.

People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.

got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi

Santa hasn’t brought any presents since I moved out of my parents’ house. What a dick.

– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?

-No.

– Do you want some?

Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.

If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…

me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]

One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.

Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.

My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.

Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”