life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
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My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.