Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.

Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?

Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.

Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know

Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid

Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack

the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep

me: alexa

alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-

me: is it okay to microwave glass

alexa: for how long

in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,

On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.

My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.

good for her

Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES

I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address

Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?

You had ONE job!

– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.

Updating my resume. Anyone have a more professional word for “dumpster fire?” 🤔🔥📝

Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.

Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water

When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.

I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”

…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.

My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”

Moments like these are when I ask for money.

Scroll, scroll, scroll the hate, gently down the screen.

Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily life is but a scream.

Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.

The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎

I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.

11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back

Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.

Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

Wife: “No.”

*takes pants off*

*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19