Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.

Her: this isn’t going to work out

Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?

Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.

This, like, never happens.

cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume

me: is there a law against it?

cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession

The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves

Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.

I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.

i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there

Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15

[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school

Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind

I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose

PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance

I’m really shy in RL.

But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.

I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways

[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?

Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”

“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.

Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.

When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side

[I dont get invited to a party]

me: shit

[I get invited to a party]

me: Shit.

[watching The Avengers]

7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?

ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies

Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35

The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.

“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.

I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.

[smallpox]

Only 1890’s kids will get this