*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
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Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
much to think about
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.
I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Why is no one talking about this?!
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse