Pikachu found the lost joint
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serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
this is how the alphabet looks from above
– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.