Pikachu found the lost joint
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I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please
getting old is fun
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Me too
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
I brushed my hair and put on mascara to go look for a tree. Sup trees, how YOU doin
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
i wish i could marry a nap