Pikachu found the lost joint
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Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
remember
only for emergencies
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency