Pikachu found the lost joint
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coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
it was the f*ck this of times
it was the f*ck that of times
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
I forgot how to panic. Help
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.
I’m the keen oat speaker.
*coughs*
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Hungry me has no respect for bathroom scale me.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.