Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.

Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.

*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.

*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.

*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.

At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒

Sponch

I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of

Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.

It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.

Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.

I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide

Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.

Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.

[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]

Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?

Me: Virus?

I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.

[on the phone]

Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem

[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that

Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.

Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”

Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”

WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH

I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.

Me: We will leave in a little bit

8: After you put your makeup on?

Me: I have my makeup on!

8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty

uh yeah, I accept. No brainer

Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information

Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.

All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.

Search History:

Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #

what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes

what my dog hears: goodbye forever

Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome

Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?

Me: [gets coffee]

News: [election updates]

Me: [adds vodka to coffee]

“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”

[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666