pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
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(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
As per my previous tablet…
