pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
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I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks