Pilgrim: What the hell is that?
Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.
– The first green bean casserole.
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Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Everyone is so worried about preservatives in their foods. I want whatever is in hotdog buns to be in every cell in my body. That’s the real immortality.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
A completely valid reaction tbh
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed