Pilgrim: What the hell is that?
Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.
– The first green bean casserole.
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You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Tapped in
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
