Pilgrim: What the hell is that?
Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.
– The first green bean casserole.
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My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*