Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
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Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.