Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
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I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Kidnapper: your coming with me
Me: * you’re
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.