Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
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I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
just make the entire table out of coaster
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?